Screaming on the inside

I'm sorry for not getting back with you all sooner but like most this has been the mother of winters. So much going on so much staying the same. I feel my Parkinson's has been progressing, Shelleys hands aren't doing that well. My woodworking has slowed to a crawl and to those I have the biggest connection with I've let down.

I found out at some point in all this I had a "minor" stroke and on my brain MRI things are stable,  what ever the hell that means. The Parkinson's meds aren't doing all that much I think and I believe also my dr thinks it is more. He mentioned MSA or multiple system atrophy.  It is as scary as it sounds but only time will tell. Like with all this its time, waiting for another shoe to drop.

On one of the web sites I go to there is a fair amount of depression going on, which brings me to my point. I have been screaming out at something that has no interest in me or any other sick person....my disease. I do it not because it does any good but because I need a place to just scream. A Internet friend apologized to night for here crying out. Maybe afraid she thought we were thinking she wanted sympathy.  I know thats not the case.  We all with this need to cry out once in a while. It can only be done with those who are living it or living with it. It isn't crying or looking for sympathy it is just being who we are.

When I was a kid I saw a Vincent Price movir called " The Tingler", a movie that scsred the hell out of me. About a guy that believed if we couldn't scream we couldn't let go of fear and it would kill us. He had devided to kill his mute wife that way.  She couldn't scream so this part of her a part in her spine called the tingler would grow so strong it would kill her. Simply because she could not scream, not let out the fear.

I have discovered that it's true, you have to have a placeto just cry out every once and again. I have never played the "why me" card. I have just accepted that it is what it is. I certainly can't get mad at " God", he has atleast on universe to run with maybe trillions of life form. But that night I really had no place to yell. Shit. I can't yell at my wife, not her fault,although sometimes I fear I might take it out on her I really try not too. She is dealing with something I need to be there for her with.

My main thought is that we all need a place to cry out to, even if no one appears to be listening we have to try. We all have pain, do we shout or do we just let it consume us. I have never been good at turning to friends, but then why have them. Even if they are only a name on a screen.  On that I think I  need that now more than ever. I do have some great friends that I will be seeing in the next couple of months.

It is time to go and see them, our land sailer and dingy are ready.